~Human Facade~

…’when a horseman falls off his horse…if he does not remount immediately, he will never have the courage to do so again’… says Paulo Coelho in his blog! I write this post dedicated to all those people who were, those who are, those who will always be a part of my life, who’ve shaped my thoughts, been a memorable part of my life and conditioned the way I look at people and things -with a fresh perspective!

The magnanimity of human self fascinates me. According to the Bhagwad Gita, there are three constituents in man: the mind(Manasa), the power of speech(Vacha/Vaak) and the body(Karmana). These three are called Thrikaranas-the three active agencies in man. While the mention of this in Gita actually implies purity of thoughts, words and actions in a more spiritual sense, I’m going to deal with these in the context of congruency-not of triangles, but of these constituents in an individual.

The idea for this came about as a passing thought-a thought about how often people think something, say something else and do something entirely different! There are two reasons why they would do this-one, they are plain confused and second, they enjoy putting up a façade. While the first section of people just need some counseling the second set need to get their act right, get to being a little more realistic, a little more of themselves. It leaves me flabbergasted when I think about how very rarely I’ve come across people who think, say and do exactly the same. Must require a lot of mental strength, I must think.

Why? Who do people wear these masks? Why would you want to think, say and act like three different people? Incongruity, fear of people, fear of relationships, fear of rejection, hiding ones weakness(es), insecurity, manipulative behavior- why? They’d indeed make interesting subjects for psychologists. I wonder what it feels like to delve deep into the mind of such subjects given all the complications it poses! Matt Damons character (Tom Ripley) has a dialogue in the movie ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ has a line which goes something like this, ‘I always thought it’d be better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody’. Does this really work? Do people really enjoy living someone else’s life, assuming someone else’s identity? As a short adventure-probably yes, but wouldn’t you get tired if you tried thinking, talking and acting like someone else, wearing the invisible mask for a long long time. Is it mentally taxing-I mean being someone else?

Carl Rogers, an influential American psychologist and the person who founded the humanistic approach to psychology, talks about this incongruity between the ‘Ideal self’ and ‘true self’. We all have our perception of our ideal self – how I would like to be. But most of the times thoughts like ‘I am not that’ or ‘I do not possess the qualities that others look upon as ideal’ creep into our heads. Hence the façade-a façade to people around them, a façade to themselves, a façade to their own conscience!

According to Carl Rogers, the Self Concept is, ‘ … the organized consistent conceptual gestalt composed of perceptions of the characteristics of ‘I’ or ‘me’ and the perceptions of the relationships of the ‘I’ or ‘me’ to others and to various aspects of life, together with the values attached to these perceptions. It is a gestalt which is available to awareness though not necessarily in awareness. It is a fluid and changing gestalt, a process, but at any given moment it is a specific entity.’

In the development of the self concept he saw conditional and unconditional positive regard as key. Those raised in an environment of unconditional positive regard have the opportunity to fully actualize themselves. Those raised in an environment of conditional positive regard only feel worthy if they match conditions (what Rogers describes as conditions of worth) that have been laid down by others.

Over a period of time though, people get burdened by the façade and if their assumed identities are not curbed, there are chances, it could lead them into an emotional outburst. I can vouch for a fact that these are the unhappy lot-unhappy with themselves, unhappy with what they have, unhappy with what they are faced. It requires as much mental strength, if not more to align your thoughts, words and actions as much to nonalign them! Most people tend to live their lives not the way they want to, but they way they think others want them to, in accordance with the society’s perception of what the ‘ideal’ is! They are scared to break the norms, swim against the tide, because they fear the consequences which invariably is the fear of rejection by the society. As complicated and ghastly as it may sound, but people do not mind the inconvenience they call upon themselves to adhere to the image of the society’s ‘ideal’, for they think this is not even close to the discomfort it would cause when they go against what most others think. Like Carl Rogers says, to a large extent it is a result of our upbringing. The people around us make up the society and the society conditions the way we think, speak and act! From a very early age we are told what is perceived as right and what is not. This gives one very little chance and is also supposed to give us very little reason to make mistakes, let alone learn from them.

Questioning the ultimate authority is disrespectful. Its always about ‘What will people think?’, ‘what will people say?’. Heck, who cares. I still do what I want. I do not give a hoot if someone doesn’t like they way I act. They are entitled to their opinion and I to mine. I certainly would not try and mould myself to a kind of person someone else wants me to be however close I am to them. Take it or leave it-its upto them thereon. Most parents do not realize the kind of person they are shaping their kids into when they feed these kind of obnoxious questions into their kids. Kids are like clay, they mould the way you shape them. These kind of questions condition the kids to think that they are always bound to act the way others would want them to. Why don’t you just let them be?They will figure it out and fend for themselves. One thing I’ve realized about myself, over the years, on evaluating the pattern of events in my life is that, the more I am asked not to attempt something, the more the rebel in me wants to rise. And when I am left on my own, I have this sense of responsibility towards myself that tells me to constantly strive to be better, to work towards improving myself.

Being yourself in such a disoriented atmosphere is not easy, but it surely isn’t impossible. Nonetheless, it requires constant and sincere effort, but is certainly is worth all the investment. So, good luck with your alignment efforts!

Signing off,

Striving-Hard-To-Be-Aligned.